Robert DuSold

Tomorrow he will come to me
And he’ll speak his sorrow’s endlessly and he’ll ask me why
Why can’t I leave her ….. a divine Joni Mitchell lyric

One of my older siblings and I had a conversation yesterday. He had asked me a couple of weeks ago what I was going to do if the current occupant of the White House was reelected. As a sorta power play. But nice. I said we would want to leave the country.

I decided to call him and ask him the same question. And flip it. I don’t know why I didn’t at the time.. well, I guess maybe I still have a tough time thinking in the moment.

“Hey did you get a mail in ballot? Everyone here in New Jersey got a ballot in the mail and I dropped mine off at a ballot box in town”

“Yeah we mailed ours in last week at the post office”

Beat

“I’ll tell you what, I’m really scared. I’m on guard. I’m watching out. How would you feel if your store got looted? I’m afraid of extremists.(I voted for trump subtext leaking)”

“Like the ones in St. Louis who were going to shoot people walking down the street in their neighborhood?”

“They were not going to shoot people. They were just pointing guns at them.”

“Are you afraid of black people?”

“No, I mean, all kinds of extremists. Not only black people. I mean, just wait for 4 years of Biden/Harris. Check back with me then.”

“Are you afraid of the white militias plotting to kidnap governors? Domestic terrorists.?”

“I’m not a governor. Kamala Harris persecutes Catholics. She’s gonna be the next President after him and she hates Catholics.”

“Where did you read that? I mean, she’s running with a Catholic.”

“I don’t know, lots of different authors. She targets Catholics… you can google it. The cases that she’s charged.. Catholics.”

“But she also charged a lot of other people too… black people.”

“Yeah.”

“What are you gonna do if Biden wins? Are you gonna move?”

Beat

“No, I’m gonna stay right here. But I’m afraid.”

“I think you’ve just bought 4 years of targeting the other. And fear mongering.

“Do you remember this stuff happening under 8 years of Obama? I don’t.”

Beat

“Look, we’re never gonna agree on this stuff.”

“ What are you so afraid of? I think the biggest thing you should be afraid of is Covid.”

“Well, we are. We take lots of precautions and are very careful.”

“Well, that’s good. So are we. I just read a study that your blood type might be a factor in contracting the virus. I’m not sure what mine is. Our friend Wendy is buying us instant tests on Amazon.”

Yeah, (my wife) is gonna give blood this week and find out hers. Why don’t you just give blood?”

“I can’t. I’m a gay man. I can’t give blood.”

“Oh. I didn’t know that.”

It was then, that the whole conversation made a weird kind of sense to me. The “Oh, I didn’t know that” was not an “Oh I didn’t know that” but more of a it’s gonna rain tomorrow oh I didn’t know that. In fact, I think that would have gotten more emphasis. More of a ping. More animation. There wasn’t a person on the other side of the “Oh I didn’t know that”. There wasn’t a sibling. And it dawned on me, more than ever, that the “we’re not gonna agree on this stuff” was more than politics. It was we’re not gonna agree on me. It was erasing me. I’m used to it. Most in my family don’t like to talk about politics because there are, well, people involved… and it’s easier not to talk about them. Me. Not acknowledge them. Me. I didn’t even get into my civil rights being denied blahdy-blah and “….you think you’re afraid?! What about me?” stuff. I didn’t need to.

Am I glad we had the conversation? I am. I do believe he’s afraid …of what? He wouldn’t say. But if I had to put my finger on it, it would be progress. Or maybe losing his grip on what he thinks the world should be. I don’t know.

I’m happy he lives in his world. That he can. My world is up for grabs. But I’m very happy to live in mine.

But the truth is, our worlds don’t coexist. I’m not angry or sad about that anymore. I’m grateful. While I can be for this life I have. I don’t think our conversation fell under the umbrella of love. And that’s ok too.

Maybe New Zealand, I don’t think they have these kinds of problems there…..