Robert DuSold

Velveeta is about to join Actors Equity.

Not the processed cheese food.. evidently they have to call Velveeta cheese food because there are not enough elements in it to actually call it cheese. Like, just cheese.

Velveeta is a stripper. It’s not lost on me her name indicates she doesn’t have the ingredients to call herself an actor.

Nonetheless, strippers will soon be members of Actors Equity.. an organization I’ve contributed greatly to in the last 40 years.

https://portside.org/2023-02-19/it-looks-strippers-union-about-become-reality

Actors Equity is also spending a half million dollars of the money you..if you’re a member.. and I contribute to rename the union in a more “inclusive” way.. because “equity” no longer means “inclusive”.

My vote, if I get one would be to change the name of the union to …

Now, I will let you in on a bit of a secret. I have been to strip clubs.

Yes I have. Both male and female strip clubs… not particularly my thing but neither is football.

Art is art people. And I do believe in Ms. Velveeta’s right to ply her craft as a stripper. I seriously do.

It’s that line in the art of stripping that I do wonder if AEA realizes is pretty tenuous.

I have been to strip clubs where peoplewhomenstruate blew ping pong balls out of their wooshishees, made mushroom clouds out of talcum powder and smoked cigarettes with their vaginas.

I was impressed with their muscle control and precision.

I’m not making this up.

I have been to male strip clubs where the strippers did their first set flaccid and the second set hard.

Well, hardish because they put rubber bands around their weenies to keep them up.

They sorta looked like purplish aliens.

I have an old friend who is now a successful Broadway conductor who told me she went to a strip club in Europe with a very famous composer.

One of the strippers pulled a long string of lights out of her woonjagi while one of his songs was playing. They laughed because he said he wanted royalties. His estate might want to look into that now.

Health and safety is gonna get very interesting.

Anyway, I’m not sure how any of this squares with Ibsen.

The insanity of unionizing strippers in LA is not lost on me. LA has been a wasteland of union work for professional actors for decades. Actors in LA have sued the union for the right to basically work for free.

The union has done absolutely nothing to even pay actors a minimum wage.. the only gains for actors have been through state and federal law.

Velveeta would like AEA to address these issues, among others:

We want to address our safety concerns. Also high on our priority list is fixing the racist discrimination in hiring and treatment at work. We also want to put in protections for gender diversity and disability. And protections for immigrants. There are a lot of undocumented workers within the sex industry, and unions can protect undocumented workers.

I hate to break it to Velveeta, but all of the things she wants are mandated by state and federal law, not Equityforthetimebeing.

My fave thing about Ms. Velveeta is she doesn’t once mention AEA, or why she wants to join this particular union.

Possibly it was the sales pitch…

I’m sure Equity will find some shitty contract to adapt for Velveeta .. which will probably be close to a 99 seat agreement with no oversight or pension and health.

How does any stripper seriously think Equity is gonna get them more money or more jobs? If they join the union, they can’t work in any non-union house, club, joint ..whatever…

Are they gonna mandate men strip in clubs too?

How about the initiation and working dues? That’s a couple grand for starters.. I would need a jockstrap full of Benjamins to cover that.

Should actors who make no money in 99 seat theater learn to strip?

Or strip-act? It seems they could actually make money that way.

With nearly a one to one ratio of non Equity and Equity tours currently on the road, I would think the union would possibly put some attention on that.

Or the myriad of job related and financial issues facing a union that has a working rate of 8 percent or thereabouts.

Excuse me while I stretch and look for rubber-bands.