Robert DuSold

About 10 years ago, my agent called and asked if I was interested in auditioning for the Broadway revival of “Funny Girl” for the Ziegfeld standby.

Um, yes.

Bartlett Sher, one of the hottest directors on Broadway, was at the helm…the show was premiering in LA at the Ahmanson before a Spring opening at the Imperial, where I made my Broadway debut in “Les Mis”.

If anyone could pull off a revival of “Funny Girl” it was him.. he had just directed a revival of “South Pacific” that was a big hit. He had a knack for casting, and really digging into the books for “classic” musicals.

Anyway, it was one of those very high stakes auditions for a high stakes casting office.. Telsey. I had a couple of scenes to prepare and “sing something of my own”.

As it happened art was meeting life, at the time I was producing a documentary I had concieved as a musical ..”Southern Comfort”. I could very much relate to this producer… Ziegfeld, who at least in the script came across as a patient, sternfrustrated man who was bombarded with an array of demands and requests and crazy actors.

At the end of the day, more than anything he, ok the character, cared about art. And people.

So, I went into the audition armed with dilemmas I now understood.

Bartlett has a reputation for being tough to audition for… kinda mean I guess.

I was nervous.

I entered the door to the audition room to meet my fate for the thousandth time and there he is behind the table.. with the casting agent. I read 2 short scenes and sang something and that was it.

No direction. No mean. Sorta perfunctory. Quick. He was perfectly nice. Meh.

I leave. There’s no way I got it.

An hour later, my agent calls and I got it.

A big fat Broadway revival of “Funny Girl”!

Then there was a flurry of ohmyfuckinggod and getting an apartment in LA and gearing up for rehearsals and, in my own head, my celebrated, triumphant return to Broadway!

Roll out the carpet baby.

I had several months of concerts already booked… I obviously said I couldn’t do them now.. my concert friends were thrilled for me and, because show biz, replaced me in a hot second.

I had costume fittings scheduled and was signing my contract a few days later.

How were Tom and I going to manage me going out of town again? We were gonna be ok, but I was worried about the dogs and their water bowls and all those things that hibernate in my brain before I go out of town.

I just hung up with a friend who found me a sublet in LA on my way to sign my contract. I took a detour to buy a new pair of black jeans to pack…strangely that’s what I do when I go on the road even though I already have too many. Maybe it’s a good luck charm. Or maybe I thought they’d make me look less fat. I don’t know.

I walked out of Marshalls(of course) and glanced at Facebook on my phone.

Revival of “Funny Girl” cancelled.

That couldn’t be right. It was just announced with the full cast! Lauren Ambrose as Fanny and Bobby Canavale as Nick and …

Me!

I called my agent. The show was canceled. No, “postponed”. Right. Even the casting office was blindsided by the announcement.

Then I started looking at the comments on the Facebook thread.

Hundreds. Nearly every one saying how awful Lauren Ambrose was. And they were just fucking mean. Vicious in a self referential, gluttonous, superior kind of way that revealed the obvious stupidity of their zealousness.

The show hadn’t even started rehearsals. Who the fuck knows? She could have been magnificent. Or sucked. No one will ever know.

_________ would have been better. Fill in the blank with their favorite musical theater actress who they anointed to grab the brass ring of Streisand.

One person. One expressed their sadness at the lost jobs.

Then it was back to the Lauren Ambrose Sucks And Has No Talent Club, whose members included several friends of mine. Many were known to me.

I found out this job that meant everything to me was canceled on social media…. not even a phone call.

Obviously I was devastated. I spent the next day in bed.

When I came up for air from under the covers, it was a whole new world.

Around that time, the NBC live telecasts of musicals were just starting up, and the messaging from the newly formed theater police was this.. “you must support musical theater! Broadway will die unless these telecast thingys are successful! Be nice, say nice things and if you give your honest opinion NBC will find out and blacklist you because they scour social media” .. Christian Borle said something to that effect on the sosh.

Seriously?

But, wait a minute. I saw “Peter Pan”. It sucked. And weren’t these some of the same people in the Lauren Ambrose Sucks Society?

Yes, they were. Their clutched string of pearls were straining from the tight grip.

Yesterday, a revival of “Funny Girl” opened on Broadway.

It opened. In reality… and the reviews were bad, especially for Fanny. Beanie met her fate.

What interests me more than that is the same shushers and shamers and scolders are still out there… there were many “don’t you fucking dares ” on the sosh today to silence people.. mostly who had seen it and thought, well, she couldn’t sing the role for starters.

I guess the ease in which the theater thought police craft their shaming still kind of amazes me.. it just seems so effortless to shut others down.

I still struggle with trying to be a moral person.

Added to the pot now are the social justice peeps who will shut your show down in a heartbeat if it’s not cast, or directed or produced to their liking.. usually the liking is a racial or identity stew that satisfies a boogeyman.

Not only are some of them the shushers, they thrive on shutting down shows before they open.

Which is very familiar to me.

So, I am here people to have your back. If you thought “Funny Girl“ sucked, say it. If you thought it was great, say it. It’s all good. If you’re telling people not to express themselves, I see your musical theater fly is open.

Here’s the part at the end of the documentary where we find out what happened after the crazy:

Lauren Ambrose went on to a Tony nomination playing Eliza Doolittle in Bartlett’s “My Fair Lady”

None of the fill in the blanks ever got to play Fanny Brice in “Funny Girl” on Broadway.

I auditioned for Bart a few times after that debacle and, as of yet, have not been cast by him. My last audition for him was for “My Fair Lady” .. I reminded him who I was and he turned beet red.

I’m a much happier person now because, in a sexy way, I tell it like it is. I’m not afraid of NBC and have gotten several auditions for those live musical things.

I think they’re still pretty awful.

“Southern Comfort” opened at the Public to great reviews and nominations…. after it was almost cancelled by people who had never seen it.

I’m going out of town tomorrow but I’m still worried about Tom filling the water bowls.

Maybe that’s good………